What's next?
I keep asking myself that question. Before my friends at Dana Farber sent me away, they sat me down to tell me about something called "Ending Treatment Effect." The nurse who described it made it sound something like post-partum depression. Kind of ironic, since the whole cancer trip took about nine months. At any rate, a few tears are normal, but if I find myself hanging out on the couch in my pajamas and crying for days on end, I'm supposed to call someone. So far so good - I'm wearing pajamas only at night.
But I see what they mean. For so many months my life has been defined by appointments and treatments. I've scheduled getting poked and prodded and waiting to feel bad. I've timed my life in the context of how much I can get done during the twenty minutes I feel good. And now I have to go back to the schedule and the me that was before. Except I'm not the me that was before. So what's next?
I don't know. I'm working on making peace with the fact that the next few months, maybe even nine months, will be a work in process, just like the last nine. But one thing I have decided is to pick up one important new habit – going to the gym. To inspire and provoke me in the process, I've signed up to ride my bike in the Pan Mass Challenge. I plan to ride 88 miles on a very hot day in August in order to raise money for Dana Farber. After all, they sent me back out into the world. Isn't it only right that I send something back? And through the process, I hope to find out what's next.
Congratulations! It is such a relief to hear those "no more cancer" words, and I was definitely left with that "what now?" feeling afterwards.
ReplyDeleteFor me in particular, it was because I had that little whisper of "But what if they're wrong? They were wrong when they said 'your chance of cancer is very low' and 'those symptoms you're having are just your fibromyalgia'."
Had to get to the point mentally and emotionally where I realized putting all that energy into worrying didn't help and might actually hurt. So like you, I jumped into physical activity because it makes me feel so much better. And that led me to be able to really concentrate on my new book, and plan a garden, and so on.
You'll definitely have some transitions coming up, but it seems like you've had a good outlook all along and that will carry you through your next stage of life.
Thanks so much for your kind thoughts and words. You're right - the physical activity is definitely making me feel better in the short term. I hope your health has continued to be good.
DeleteCathy
Cathy,
ReplyDeleteThere is something I call deep tissue wisdom, something that is that added layer of self, adhered and now inherent after pain or loss. You are different, but you are more. There is grace and glory in that! Hallelujah, girl.