My Hundred Dollar Tomatoes

I live in the land of apple orchards and farm stands. My neighbors all compost. There are gorgeous flower gardens and huge plots of tomatoes, cucumber and squash. There are even people who sell their backyard tomatoes and flowers at little stands in their front yards. We have a town garden, where you can rent a plot for the summer, and it is always sold out.

Can you feel the garden pressure yet?

I have lived in the country for 14 years. Fourteen falls of pathetic vegetable output. You'd think that 14 years would be long enough to figure out that I stink when it comes to growing things to eat.

I used to think my problem was water. I lived in a house that had only one inconveniently located tap in the front of the house and a big yard that was sunny for twelve hours a day. I made too big a plot that was too far away from the house. I would drag hoses from one side to the other and it was a big pain. It was so much work.

Gals I know would tell me about how much money they saved in the summer, eating produce they grew. I thought, Gee, I could save money if I would just be willing to carry some hoses.

And then I moved to a yard that was easier to water and I started over again, very hopeful. This time I put the garden in a much better spot. But my plants didn't get very big. I got like one cucumber and two zucchini. I must have planted too late.

So the next year I got plants sooner and I made an above ground bed, thinking, Now I'll get great vegetables. And I got one bigger green pumpkin and a couple of orange ones, too small to carve.

Are you starting to see a pattern here?

Last year I planted heirloom tomatoes and they all died of blight. I bought special dirt - not your typical in a plastic bag dirt that you get at the hardware store. No, this is really special, in a black heap at the nursery, delivered to you in a truck load kind of dirt. I put it everywhere and I got incredible weeds. Not just crab grass, but remarkable, foot high crab grass. That and the incredibly dead tomatoes.

I bought a composter myself - and threw in various kinds of food garbage, not to mention grass clippings, old leaves and other recommended stuff. Then, to take it up a notch, I bought compost accelerator - this organic stuff (it's all organic - has to be organic) that I poured on the stuff to make it compost more quickly. Plus this year more heirloom tomato plants, because last year was so wet - you can't go by one wet year, can you? - and here is my embarrassing output for the year:

Tomatoes: Maybe 10 pounds - probably more like 5. Plant cost: $25

Leeks: They are the size of small green onions and there are 10 of them. Plant cost: $12

Potatoes: Maybe 5 pounds of harvest. Plant and pot cost: $36

We're not talking about the cost of the special dirt, the composter, the compost accelerator, the tomato fertilizer (organic is always more expensive), the cone things to give them water when you leave town, etc. etc. etc.

Will one of my devoted readers please help me remember to just shop at the farmstand next year? I don't think my bank account can take another Petter harvest.